Living life to the fullest may be a dream to many, yet I would like to believe that we all want to do this. At some point, we may feel there is something stopping us and it may in fact be ourselves that are holding us back from living the life we want.
Many clients have come to me wanting to work on the self sabotaging behaviours. Whether it be “Bob” the Entrepreneur who builds businesses then finds away of destroying them to “Helen” the wife and mother who will find a way to cheat on her husband. Both clients struggle to break the cycle and feel angry as to not being able to hold on to what they have and want.
The answer, I believe, is to understand why both Helen and Bob are behaving this way and where does it come from? This comes down to “cause and effect” and through the power of the mind we can go back to the cause.
Through many of teachings, we are all telling the same story and this story has a major commonality - The Inner Child.
Inner child work is the basis for understanding the “Why” we behave a certain way. By going back to the event that caused our inner child to view and perceive things about themselves. This is often not just one event but many, which validates the original view in the first place. The view, perception, belief or thought is all the same. This has us feeling the feeler or emotion and in turn we act upon or react upon the emotion. It is only when the suffering of living with this becomes too much that clients call upon my services to find out why.
To be honest the majority of memories/events which we regress back to during a session is very surprising to my clients as these events are less traumatic to the adult self yet holds a strong attachment to them today. This is because we are dealing with a traumatic event from a child’s perspective, usual around the age of 5. Let us look at Bob.
When we asked Bob’s mind to go back to the cause of Bob self sabotaging his hard work in building many businesses and then finding away to destroy them, his mind took him back to when he was age 5 in school preparing a project. He spent lots of time doing this project to present at the “Show and Tell” in front of the mums and dads. He had made a theme park model out of Lego and had his story to tell. On the day when his name was called out to walk on stage, he proudly carried his Lego model and someone tripped him up. His Lego went everywhere and the sound of horror and laughter echoed he room. Bob felt so red and embarrassed and cried and froze. The teachers came up to him but he felt upset as all his hard work had been taken away from him which made him believe he had wasted his time. During the session Adult Bob could relate to all the beliefs his inner child had concluded and could see the pattern in his adult self in the way he has so much passion for an idea, gives it so much time and once it is build and working, he finds himself pulling it apart. The inner child was holding onto the fear that something will go wrong and Bob would rather be the one in control of sabotaging his own success before someone else did.
When Helen and I worked together, Helen was distraught as she loves her husband, family and home and in her words "we have it all". On going back to the cause in her mind as to why she feels the need to have an extramarital affairs, it went back to a little girl age 7 lying on her mum’s bed. Mum suffered from depression and child Helen took it upon her self to make her mum happy. Every day she would come home from school and tidy the house, prepare dinner and lie next to mum. Mum would say how beautiful child Helen was and what a wonderful wife she would be one day. When Helen looked at that memory she realised that her inner child had very little fun and was more the parent to mum rather than mum parenting her. She had concluded that she felt different and not like the other kids at school.
In Helen’s adult life she had realised that she was the accommodating wife who made sure her husband and family were always happy and that was her priority. She did not know how to have fun herself with the exception of sex. As her husband travelled a lot with work, she still took in upon herself to ensure he was happy yet she felt dead inside and wanted to feel alive. During the course of a few sessions, Helen accepted that she too deserved to care for herself and get in touch with her feelings and the need to escape to feel alive was no longer needed. She could prioritise herself and it was not her responsibility to make anyone feel happy.
Understanding the why is just the beginning of the transformation or change as some would say. It takes work to change the way you see and feel about yourself. It is kind of like one step forward and two back at times as we go back to what feels comfortable and familiar even if it is not what we want. It also feels painful to get in touch with your feelings and learn to feel the emotion, take the meaning from it and let it go through you.
The key to all of this is accepting that you are worth it. You are worthy of living your best life for you and letting go of the past thoughts that have been ruling the show for so long.
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This blog is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians and/or mental health counsellors. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention. Although this blog is based on actual experience, all the characters are completely fictional. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.